So I previously wrote about how to manage going through an uncertain seasons. One of the things I touch upon is trusting God. Now I want to expand a bit on this on this post. Firstly, trusting God is one of the main important thing in this christian journey and in our relationship with Him. We follow, obey and trust him. Now I have called this post learning to trust instead of trusting God because I have always struggle in this area. Maybe for some people, trusting is easy but for me it extremely hard.
In the past I have difficulty trusting other people mostly because they never kept their words and they always let me down. I understand that no one is perfect and I am probably the worst of them at times but giving my trust away is just really hard for me. With my introverted nature, I tend to keep myself away from people at times. On the other hand it was really easy for me to get close to God from a young age as I used to considered him as the best of friends that will keep all my secrets and because he loved me, he will always had my back.
My mindset flip during my teenage years, when the war started in the country I was living. My life got turned upside down and things were never the same. I was confronted with one of the major question of this life: why God allow bad things to happen to me. It took me years to deal with the trauma and even though I went back to God at the age of 22, I used to feel that all God wanted to do is hurt me. I almost felt like he was against me. Why a loving God will allow me to go through this. Was this a punishment? or maybe he did not love me at all. Because of all theses questions, I actually started to believe that he did not care about me and his plan for me was actually to destroy me.
I also like my independence. Growing up, all my siblings had tutors during their school years. I never had. My father always used to say to me that I did not need one. I was clever enough to do things on my own. This developed in me a type of self-reliance that I carried into adult age. Being my own person, not having to rely or ask anyone: independence is lifestyle that I wanted. But independence is not a realistic lifestyle. The truth is I need people. I need God. On my own, I am not the best version of me and I have limitations.
Additionally, because of my ego and my controlling persona, I always felt frustrated when things do not turn out how I want them to. As a matter of fact, in my life, some things that I did not wanted, actually happened. I had to bury dreams that dear to me and so many doors closed on my face. This did not only discourage me but It made it harder for me to trust him. God had a plan very different than mine. One that I did not really have a control over at times.
His plan involved so many different elements, places I never heard, people I never thought I met, experiences I never thought about having. Great adventures and also big heartbreaks. Ever since I moved from my country to the UK in 2003, God has always putting me in seasons where I had no idea where I was headed. It feels like I will just have to continue to make the best of my situation with one million questions in my head, and believe that he always carry me through.
But I am learning to trust him
Learning to follow knowing that wherever we are going, I will be okay because he is with me. It sound cliche but it is a simple truth that I am trying to remind myself every day. Learning to embrace that the plan he has for me, and probably letting go of some of my plan. Learning to accept that what he has in store is even more beautiful than the story I had for myself.
Learning to rely more on him more than on myself, cause when I am tired he is not and he can sustain.
Learning to look at him as seasons change, because he remains constant through the years.
Learning to let go of fear, doubts, worries and past pains.
After all, in the past he has carry me through very difficult circumstances. I had some prayers that were answered. Some were not necessarily answered as I wanted them to be answered. Some answers were delayed. Well, there were delayed in my mind but it was probably God’s timing.
Ultimately he goes before me and with me so I will be okay in the end.
YVALIKS 
Leave a comment