I previously wrote about how to navigate an uncertain season. One of the things I touch upon is trusting God. Now I want to expand a bit on this in this post. Firstly, trusting God is one of the most important aspects of this Christian journey and of our relationship with Him. We follow, obey and trust him. Now I have called this post’ learning to trust’ instead of ‘trusting God’ because I have always struggled in this area. Maybe for some people, trusting is easy, but for me it is extremely hard.
In the past, I have had difficulty trusting other people, mostly because they never kept their word and they always let me down. I understand that no one is perfect, and I am probably the worst of them at times, but giving my trust away is just really hard for me. With my introverted nature, I tend to keep myself away from people at times. On the other hand, it was really easy for me to get close to God from a young age, as I used to consider him the best of friends who would keep all my secrets and, because he loved me, would always have my back.
My mindset flip during my teenage years, when the war started in the country I was living. My life got turned upside down, and things were never the same. I was confronted with one of the major questions of this life: why does God allow bad things to happen to me? It took me years to deal with the trauma, and even though I went back to God at the age of 22, I used to feel that all God wanted to do was hurt me. I almost felt like he was against me. Why a loving God will allow me to go through this. Was this a punishment? Or maybe he did not love me at all. Because of all these questions, I actually started to believe that he did not care about me, and his plan for me was actually to destroy me.
I also like my independence. Growing up, all my siblings had tutors during their school years. I never had. My father always used to say to me that I did not need one. I was clever enough to do things on my own. This developed in me a type of self-reliance that I carried into adulthood. Being my own person, not having to rely on or ask anyone: independence is a lifestyle that I wanted. But independence is not a realistic lifestyle. The truth is, I need people. I need God. On my own, I am not the best version of me, and I have limitations.
Additionally, because of my ego and controlling personality, I always felt frustrated when things did not turn out the way I wanted. As a matter of fact, in my life, some things that I did not want actually happened. I had to bury dreams that were dear to me, and so many doors closed in my face. This not only discouraged me, but it also made it harder for me to trust him. God had a plan very different from mine. One that I did not really have control over at times.
His plan involved so many different elements, places I never heard, people I never thought I met, experiences I never thought about having. Great adventures and also big heartbreaks. Ever since I moved from my country to the UK in 2003, God has always been putting me in seasons where I had no idea where I was headed. It feels like I will just have to keep making the best of my situation, with one million questions in my head, and believe that he will always carry me through.
But I am learning to trust him
Learning to follow, knowing that wherever we are going, I will be okay because he is with me. It sounds cliché, but it is a simple truth I try to remind myself every day. Learning to embrace the plan he has for me, and probably letting go of some of my plan. Learning to accept that what he has in store is even more beautiful than the story I had for myself.
Learning to rely more on him than on myself, cause when I am tired, he is not, and he can sustain.
Learning to look at him as seasons change, because he remains constant through the years.
Learning to let go of fear, doubts, worries and past pains.
After all, in the past, he has carried me through very difficult circumstances. I had some prayers that were answered. Some were not answered the way I wanted. Some answers were delayed. Well, there were delays in my mind, but it was probably God’s timing.
Ultimately, he goes before me, and with me, so I will be okay in the end.